the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
