Already got asked if we're dating
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
