Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
