I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
