My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
