i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
