Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
