He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize