he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
