I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I could make wine with my vomit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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