Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
