6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
