textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
