i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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