Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
