A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
