I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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