Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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