My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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