plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
