Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
