I am midnight drunk by noon
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
