im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
