my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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