Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
