i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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