If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
