You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize