Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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