I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
