got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
