If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we're making bets on your personal life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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