Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
