im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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