I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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