You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
