just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
