Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
