Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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