Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
