There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
