I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
