he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
