You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize