Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
