Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
