I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize