My hand turned me down
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
