FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
