put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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