Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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