After last night, I could never be a politician.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
