My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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