I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
