That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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