My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
