Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
