then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize