I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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