i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
